a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
