all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
