I can't breathe out the right side of my face
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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