So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
