the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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