you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
