I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
