i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
