i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
