I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize