I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
