I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
