just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
