As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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