Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
