dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize