Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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