I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize