Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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