Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
