It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
