i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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