I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
