Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
