hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
