Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
