I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
