SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
