Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
