some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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