lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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