Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
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