Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm always down for nudity.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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