lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need to sanitize my soul.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
