my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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