You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
