I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
