He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize