I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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