Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
