nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
