Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize