i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
