I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
