my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
