Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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