He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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