i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
