I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
