mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
