my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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