Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
