the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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