Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
MIDGETS
????
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
