The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
