it's too hot outside to masturbate.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
