I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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