I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
