I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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