He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
