I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
