By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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